I Should Know This By Now

Women who let themselves go…

ella — Mon, 01 Jan 2007 14:12:02 +0000

The worst thing that can happen to a woman is that she has “let herself go”. The worst thing that can happen to a man is that he becomes “vain” – funny the double standards? I’ve just been out for a jog/walk – 20 minutes of thumping reminder of how unfit I have become. I used to do three or four spinning classes a week and I thoroughly enjoyed it but the gym I was a member of has a nasty habit of losing instructors and as soon as you get settled into working with one – off they go to another gym. My membership fees are due and I’m ambivalent about rejoining. My ideal gym has great spinning instructors and a pool (20 metres please) and relatively easy to get to with Dublin traffic…it seems to be a tall order. A friend of mine gave me a voucher for a free month’s membership of Curves so I’m going to try that from tomorrow for 4 weeks and see how it goes. In the meantime, my small steps for the last few days have been upping my water intake – I’m at 1.5 litres and plan to get that to 2 litres from today. I know it takes a while for your body to recognise the new fluid intake as “normal” so I reckon I’ve a week before I have to stop scoping out a room for the toilets before I sit down! I’m running every 10 minutes at the moment lol!

It’s fear. I’ve worked that bit out. Fear of succeeding, fear of failing, fear of who is actually “in” here hiding beneath the negativity and hoplessness. It’s a parental voice I recognise and I need to “kill” that voice this year if I am to really have a chance of listening to my own voice which I’m hoping to nurture as one of optimisim and possibility. For now I will write out the negativity and when I feel the need to cry I will do that..I will recognise how I reach for unhealthy options to reinforce that voice that can then say “I told you so”…

Happy New Year.

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A bit of Manhattan in Dublin

ella — Sun, 31 Dec 2006 10:36:52 +0000

Being single in a city like Dublin is hard work – it really is a couples kind of town. I’ve fallen into a rut of staying home at the weekends when I haven’t had a friend or two to catch up with (needless to say they are all in relationships unlike moi). So last night I got off my ass and went into the IFI to see Manhattan. My first time, yup I am ashamed to say it. As a life long lover of NYC it was a real treat and it got me thinking about why I adore that city so much. It’s less the city itself and more how I feel emotionally when I’m there. In summary I feel like anything is possible; I like myself more; I feel unencumbered by “stuff”; I feel like a new me. And that’s what I’m trying to achieve in 2007 so short of emigrating I need to encompass a little bit of NYC in my daily life here in Dublin. There’s always something to do in NYC … there must always be something to do in Dublin also – perhaps I’m a bit out of practice, perhaps I’ve given up looking. So today I signed up for that wine appreciation class that has been on my list of things to do each new year. Beginning in February and ending in March over 6 weeks I will learn how to drink wine with a more knowledgable palate…

Another new “to do” list

ella — Sat, 30 Dec 2006 15:13:22 +0000

Another new year…another new resolution…another guilt inducing “to do” list that will haunt me as the year progresses? I wonder if there’s a “default” list of new year resolutions? Mine seem to have stayed static for as long as I can remember and once again, I embark on 2007 with a newly dusted off version (we must be on version 44.0 by now). So I thought a different approach might be in order…A blog, a public record of my attempts to address my core issue…happiness. My inner saboteur is a very sophisticated presence. Ever undermining, ever critical and always on hand to yank the rug out whenever I venture too close to “success” – whatever that is.

You’d imagine that I’d have got it by now – I’m mid way through my life, on the surface it looks like I have it together but I haven’t managed to sustain a a good relationship and I feel as though I’m out of control (50 pounds over weight would be a good indicator of that in anyone’s book). I know the stuff I need to do but a sophisticated inner saboteur is eating away at my soul. I know the voice, I know where it’s come from and I know that this town ain’t big enough for the both of us so 2007 is the year in which I put that voice to bed for good.

Small steps…small steps are what it will take.